Game Theory: Does Luigi MEASURE Up? (Super Mario) (2023)

Introduction

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The internet has been overcome with the need to know more about Luigi's.... little Luigi. The trailers for the new Mario Tennis Aces game gave us a MUCH MORE anatomically correct Luigi than we've had before. So, much like the trailers for Super Mario Odyssey, it broke the internet. Here you go Theorists - YOU wanted to KNOW!! Happy April Fools Day.

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Video

Geez! While, the whole Internet is currently losing its mind over Luigi's..

*ahem*, warp pipe..

in Mario, Tennis Aces, I'm here to remind you that this isn't.

The first time Mario games have featured anything..

south of the border.

Lest.

We forget this, uh..., geologic structure from Mario, Kart:, Double, Dash!!, right there on the sandy shores of Peach, Beach., You'll, never power slide under that arch.

The same way again.

Hello, Internet! Welcome to Game Theory.

The show that everyone erroneously presumes is meant for kids.

Despite the fact that we talk about murdered children every other episode! But today, we're breaking from tradition and going back, way back to the earliest days of this show, to a time when I had much more questionable taste in episode topics.

To, a time, six years ago, when I -jokingly- promised to make up for the boobs episode with a video like this., And yet..

here we are.

2018 and a legitimate topic being discussed online is Luigi's..

short, bulge., It's, true., If.

You hadn't heard, in mid-March Nintendo released promotional images from Mario Tennis Aces, specifically one of Luigi.

Immediately - and I mean, IMMEDIATELY - the Internet noticed that there were some weird shadows hanging around in Luigi's undercarriage.

When normally, it's just a whole lotta smooth, sailling down, there.

Was.

This just awkward rendering with new hi-res, lighting effects? Or was there more to it than meets the eye down, there?, WHO, KNOWS, WHO, CARES, It's time to jump to conclusions.

And immediately start measuring.

Tumblr user, Forttoate raced in and, using the tennis racket in Lugi's hand as a guide, immediately deduced that Luigi's..

Power Shroom..

measured in at 3.7 inches or 9.4 centimeters.

In length.

And..

can I just say this again..

It is SCARY how fast the Internet turned their attention to the crotch of this sexless video game, character.

Now, you might be asking yourself, "Why.

The heck am I even talking about this?", And..., well, that's..., a really good question, actually.

It's.

Something I'm left to ask myself, literally every single day.

But as the Internet's pioneer of pixel measurements.

Whenever someone online starts rattling off the heights..

or in this case, lengths..

of Nintendo, characters, I'm called in like a nerdier version of Snopes.

And.

Let me say this:.

If we're, looking to determine whether Luigi's manhood is more of a Shy Guy or a Giga Bowser, there's a bit more work that needs to be done here.

So in honor of April Fool's Day.

While all the other channels are just coming up with some stupid clickbait video or lame prank, I'm gonna do the same thing I always do:, overthink and overanalyze.

But this time it's on something that's even dumber than normal: Coming to an accurate conclusion on Luigi's, little Wiggler.

Let's start by looking at the work that Forttoate did.

Now.

This may come as a surprise to you.

But over the course of the past 214 episodes, I -may- have made the occasional teeny-tiny mistake or slightly silly.

Assumption., Hey! Get- get out of here, Wario!, You, too, Sonic.

I, even gave you a longer stride length.

So you don't have ANY reason to complain.

But, thaking, chances, making mistakes and getting messy is all about learning, growing, and recognizing those same pitfalls later in life.

And.

The one thing I know for certain at this point is that you can't presume that the world of Mario is using standard-sized..

anything.

Let alone standard-sized tennis rackets.

And.

This is exactly where Forttoate's math goes a little off.

The rails: by assuming that Luigi is holding a normal-sized racket., NOPE., When you're dealing in the Mushroom Kingdom.

There is only true ruler that we can go by:, Mr., Sociopath, himself, Mario, Jumpman, Mario., You, see, as loyal theorists probably know by heart at this point, Mario has a canon height of 155 centimeters or just over 5'1''.

This means that if we can get Mario next to anything in this world, we can measure it pretty darn accurately.

And since we're, analyzing a tennis game, what better game to compare the heights of the Mario brothers than Mario Power, Tennis? It's, a game where we get plenty of shots of Mario alongside his brother, including my all-time favorite Mario, moment.

And.

If you think that's bad, I found a Mario moment that tops it.

But, uh..

more on that one later.

Using pixel-precise measurements from a variety of different cutscenes throughout the game as well as this image of the standard Mario height, chart, we can determine that Luigi is on average 12% taller than Mario, putting him at a whopping 1.736 meters or 5'8''., Yeah..

it's, not really that tall.

Now here's, where the fun part really begins.

Using.

Those updated numbers, we can apply our updated and canon approved pixel ruler to the Petey Piranha in Luigi's pants.

By, measuring out the length of the bulge as indicated by the shadow on his shorts.

It gives us a length of 10.85 centimeters or 4.3, inches.

It's, definitely a bit more Mega Mushroom than the Internet was leading us to believe, BUT WAIT.

It doesn't end there! Because.

We actually have to adjust the way that we're handling Luigi's one-eyed, Cobrat., ...handling.

His one-eyed..., oh., Ooo, hey.

Probably could have phrased that one a little bit better., You, see, there's, a scientific standard for measuring ye, olde dinglehopper.

And it involves beginning the measurements at the pubic bone.

The, pubic bone is protected by the mons pubis, a layer of skin and adipose tissue - the scientific appropriate word for "fat".

In general.

Women have a thicker mon than a man's mon.

But none can compare to a Pokémon.

Since.

Our measurements are from the outside of Luigi's mons, pubis, and..

in fact, from outside his pants as a whole...

We gotta factor all those numbers into our calculations.

Now.

Men typically have a half inch of this adipose tissue to be added on to whatever you can see on the outside, which gives us a total length of 12.168 cm or over 4.8 inches for Luigi.

Oh.

And by the way.

Congratulations to all you fellows out there who know you're going to try this at home after the episode ends.

Don't, pretend that you won't.

Just be happy that now you know, it's, scientifically appropriate to add on a half inch to your ruler measurements.

Men of the world, rejoice! It's like getting that.

Last bonus, star., For, your pants.

But before you go running off with your tape.

Measures, we're, not quite done with Luigi yet.

The.

Last thing we got to do is subtract a total of 3.

Mm from the measurements.

We just took to account for the thickness of typical gym shorts and whatever underoos Luigi's sporting down there.

That leaves.

Our final total at 11.858 cm or 4.66.

Inches.

Ta-daah! Mom, are you proud of me?? Wait, I, hear your rumblings in the comments.

You-.

You want more.

What?, We calculated the length of Luigi's, little Goomba., I'm scarred enough from staring my childhood heroes in the crotch for the last three hours.

What else.

Do you want from me?! You..

you...? You want to know..

what?!, Oh., Ohhhh., It's, the BIG ticket you're interested, in., When, Luigi's, flying down on the Rainbow Road of love, what's going on when he's revving it up to 150 cc's? Geez.

This is a man's private information!.

I should send you out of this video right? Now!, But since you asked, I was curious too.

So of course, I did the calculations to see if Luigi would still measure up., Or if, when it counts, his manhood just ends up being in another castle.

It turns out that there's a massive variation in the length of your pocket rocket.

When it, in fact, chooses to blast off again.

And, we know this when we say that guys are either showers - out there like a Chain Chomp for the world to see - or growers - the Shy Guys of the anatomical Mushroom Kingdom., Now, Luigi could fall into either camp.

So we won't be able to pin down an exact number, but we will be able to get the range here.

Both growers and showers end up getting bigger.

In, um..

preparation for the final boss.

But for some, that 1-UP mushroom just makes a bigger difference.

So to speak.

For showers, on average, they're, putting on an extra 10% in length, which means that at the very, VERY least, Luigi's, achieving 5.13 inches.

But - lucky Luigi - 79% of men are growers, which means statistically, he's likely to get even more Star Power out of his big moment.

Growers gain on average 50% length, which - boy howdy! - means that Luigi's looking at a total of 6.99..

ah, heck, let's just round it up to 7, total inches or 17.78 centimeters.

Well, above average, according to the British Journal of Urology study last year that found that the average length of a man's disco stick is about 5.2, inches., It's, uh..., it's, no wonder that Daisy sticks, around.

So there.

You have it.

Add this one to your fan wikis.

The official size of Luigi's plunger goes from a floppy 4.6 to a firm 5.1 on the low end, 7 on the high.

Now, I know, those numbers may seem a little flaccid, but throw me a bone here.

Calculating.

This was a hard one.

But call me Viagra, because I'm still going strong.

Because there's.

One final question, I'm, sure you all have on your minds: How does Mario compare? Unfortunately.

The promo art from Mario Tennis Aces, doesn't have as many suspicious shadows in Mario's pants, meaning.

We can't go through the exact same level of calculations, here.

Fortunately for us, though.

We wouldn't need to anyway, because Mario hasn't been shy to be seen naked in his past.

And I'm, not talking about some questionable DeviantArt pages at the Rule 34 website, I'm talking in an official Nintendo, release., You, don't, belive, me?, Then, feast your eyes on the official Nintendo manga, simply titled "Super Mario", but known amongst fans as "KC Mario", published way back in 1989.

Volume 1 covers part 1 of the Super Mario land, saga, with Mario fighting off.

The villains of Sarasaland led by the evil alien Tatanga., On page 52.

We see Mario get bitten by a Fish Bone, only to get sent out of his overalls.

And then turning the page..

there.

He is, page 53, waving his pants in the air like he just don't care.

And in the process, we confirm two things.

One, that Mario apparently isn't, just a plumber, he's going full commando.

And two, that Mario doesn't got himself, a lovely bunch of coconuts.

In, fact, Mario's, big toe is bigger than his dangling.

Hammer.

Bro.

I ran the numbers because of course, I did, and Mario's little cannoli clocks in at around 2.5, inches, 6.3, centimeters, and..

to be quite honest with you, that's me being EXTREMELY generous with those numbers.

And maybe, just maybe, this stupid episode by some miracle turned out to explain a lot more than I.

Initially anticipated about this franchise.

With, a size difference like that, it's.

No wonder, Mario is aggressive, mean and dismissive of his brother.

He's.

Jealous.

Not only does Luigi has the superior jump, he's also apparently got the superior.

Lump.

It may also explain Mario's hero.

Complex: He may not be feeling too super in the sheets.

So he resorts to being super on the streets.

And who knows? It may even explain Peach's continued avoidance of her poorly.

Proportioned plumber., A, former theory of mine guessed that she winds up with Luigi in the end, anyway.

So there.

You have it! Luigi, the super-powerful half-a-billionaire who winds up with the girl and has an enormous (Yoshi!) Man, looking back at all.

My theories on him, Luigi really does come out on top.

But, hey, that's, just a theory! A game.

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Here you all probably thought that I messed up and was doing the Film Theory.

Outro.

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Now.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go watch.

Some cat videos to serve as eye bleach.

I've been staring WAY too long at the undercarriages of Nintendo characters.

If you're interested in any of our past theories on the Lord of All that is Luigi, click that eye icon in the upper-right hand corner of the screen for a full list.

And I'll, see you all next week for something that's probably a little bit more mature.

...probably.